Busiest shopping day of the year??

Today is traditionally meant to be the busiest shopping day of the year. The last Saturday before Christmas. I worked it, and I'm not so sure it was. Now I know I haven't worked for almost 3 months, and it was the busiest Saturday I have worked for a long time, but it was busier on Thursday. I think the cost of living has made people evaluate what they are spending, where they are spending it and, most importantly, when they are spending it. I was off work for all the wrong reasons, but it meant I was fortunate enough to have finished all but a couple of small presents before Black Friday weekend was over. Normally though, I am a last minute girl and end up having to budget hard until the end of January as I have overspent in December. 

It does remind me of happy memories though, for many years it was a tradition that Dad and I went into town on Christmas Eve to look at the lights, have a cheeky McDonalds, and spring it on him that I hadn't even started my shopping! As I got older, and started to shop earlier, it made it even nicer. We could slowly wander around town. Visiting busy shops changed into visiting cafes for a hot chocolate and a mince pie. Stressing about there being no wrapping paper left to buy turned into browsing to see what we could buy in the January sales. I know now that the reason it started was so that Mum could prep everything for Christmas Day. Whilst we were out wrapped up in scarves and gloves looking at the Christmas lights, buying reduced Christmas decorations to add the our collection and running around doing all my last minute shopping, Mum was peeling and chopping vegetables, wrapping presents, preparing the Z-Bed for my sister to sleep on and doing all the serious hard work to make our Christmas so special. As I got older I thought the tradition would end but Dad still wanted to go to town. It wasn't until we moved to Chesterfield in 2013 that the tradition stopped. Now I am in town every Christmas Eve, but I am working instead of wandering. Dad made everything about Christmas extra sparkly and glittery, not just because of his obsession with turning the living room into a colourful wonderland every year, but because of how much Christmas made him sparkle. Its not been the same since we lost him and it never will, but now we have to make new traditions. This year we have decorated our house like its 1986, there's tinsel and ceiling streamers everywhere. Its all for Dad. And our cat it would seem! He has become to see tinsel as a comfortable cat bed and will grab every opportunity to nest in it, making putting the decorations up take twice as long as you can't move him when he's asleep!!

Back to work

Today was my first day back at work. The first day back in the shop for 8 and a half weeks. I knew how long it had been but almost didn't realise how long it had been. I was ridiculously nervous about going back, I felt like I was starting a new job. It felt almost forced and awkward for the whole morning. Didn't get a chance to have a proper catch up with my manager, we had a busy day. Lots of customers Christmas shopping and a surprise visit from our district manager. I had been worrying about what she thought about me being off, but she was concerned about me and told me not to push myself too hard. At the end of it all I'm not really sure how I feel about today. I made some good sales, but it all just felt off. I know its been hard for them all with me being off and leaving them a staff member down at the busiest time of the year but its also been hard for me being unwell. So many days I have just sat and cried because I couldn't see any end to it. I have sat in doctors offices and cried again, begging them to help me feel better, feeling like I was going crazy. All I kept hearing was "well you don't look ill" or "you sound better than the last time we spoke". All the while I was feeling permanently tired, in pain all over my body, lightheaded and out of breath. I didn't look ill, I definitely felt it. I still do feel like this, I am just holding on to the fact that I have a diagnosis and am on medication, for the rest of my life, that will make me feel better. Best to not dwell on today though. I have a day off tomorrow and Saturday is a new work day.

On the mend!

 I have had so many blood tests over the last couple of weeks I feel like a pin cushion, but I am finally getting somewhere! I have been bombarded with messages from the doctor and a follow up phone call this morning to explain that yes, I may have come out of this with issues I didn't know I had but, they all explain my symptoms! 

I had a routine full blood test a couple of weeks ago that didn't show anything, so back to the doctor I went, she then ordered a long list of blood tests that she wanted me to have, had those on Wednesday this week. Turns out I have:

Low folate - now on a 4 month course of folic acid to rectify this.

Vitamin D deficiency - now on a course of high dose vitamin D and I have to take a lower level permanently. 

Pre-diabetic hyperglycaemia - I have been referred to a group that can help me to manage my diet to avoid a full diabetes diagnosis.

And, finally, an underactive thyroid - I will be on medication for this for the rest of my life also! This also means I do not have to pay for any future prescriptions.

We did think the liver function tests were abnormal, but the vitamin D being ridiculously low could cause this. We are going to repeat this test in January to double check, then another thyroid check in 3 months time to make sure my prescription is the right dose.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. From being diagnosed with covid, feeling like the symptoms of fatigue, feeling breathless and lightheaded, joint pain and brain fog weren't going anywhere. I have spent the last 6 weeks convinced that people don't believe me and the relief of knowing that I wasn't going crazy and there were issues is like no other feeling. 

The last day I was in work was the 27th of October. It feels like forever. In a strange way I have enjoyed being off, mainly for the rest and recouperation, but there's only so many channel 5 Christmas Hallmark movies I can avoid! My Dad used to love watching those, Christmas was his favourite time of year and Christmas 24 his favourite channel! He used to call me to tell me about the hallmark film he had seen that day. I used to say:

"Let me guess, recently single business woman moves back to her hometown from the big city to sell the failing cupcake shop she has inherited and she finds herself in a battle of personalities with the town mechanic, almost ruining Christmas for the whole town,  but they end up falling in love and saving the cupcake shop at the same time as saving Christmas!"

He would reply with "Oooh, have you seen it??" 😂 

I really miss my Dad at this time of year, we have decorated our house like a 1980s Santas Grotto in his memory, he would've absolutely loved it. He would also be the one that would've been coming to and from the doctors appointments and holding my hand the whole time, like he always did, no matter how old I got. I have been very brave doing this all without him. Doctors surgeries, hospitals, all very scary places for me. 

Now I have Christmas to look forward to, even if I only get Christmas Day off. I am going to spend the day with just my Mum, it will be very quiet and chilled. I have a stack of presents that need wrapping, I keep putting it off but I love doing it. Still got a few more to buy but the bulk of it is done. Are you all ready for Christmas? I will be surprised if anyone even sees that question after all the ramblings above!

Anyway, back to procrastinating wrapping and another cup of tea it is!

I HATE Christmas Shopping

I have been on every single website, looking at all the Black Friday offers, trying to get all my Christmas Shopping done before December. I have done so much more than I thought but now I am completely out of ideas of what to get people!! The deals I have found though are amazing, so I am really glad I started shopping way earlier than I normally do. Being signed off work does have it perks. 

I am so stressed and tired today. I didn't feel right last night, my breathing felt worse than it has done and my face was red hot. My health anxiety kicked in and that was it, I spiralled. I spent most of the night laying there convincing myself that there was something seriously wrong. Can barely keep my eyes open today. People don't realise how tiring anxiety can be. So now I am sat here doing more Christmas shopping and watching the 90's classic, Muriel's Wedding. If you haven't seen it, you must. Its cinematic perfection! I always forget that its Toni Collette playing Muriel too, she looks so different, and hearing her native Aussie accent is so different too. Another film of hers I like is Connie and Carla, its a very camp guilty pleasure and I am the only person I know who has seen it! Add it to your list if you like drag queens and musicals.

I don't know what to do for dinner tonight, I haven't got anything out the freezer and there is nothing fresh in the fridge. We are meant to be going to do a big shop when Darren finishes work, but it takes me twice as long to walk round the shop at the moment and I am so tired I don't think I have got the energy on a good day. 

Casper has been amazing company the last few days, he always is. He has been so clingy but in a really sweet way, every time I pick him up he snuggles in and falls asleep on me. Its so cute. 

He went for so many years not wanting to be picked up, and not wanting to sit on your lap or next to you on the sofa but since lockdown he loves it. He has snuggle routines! He is such a good boy.

Quiet Few Days

Its been a quiet few days for us. Not much to report. I have been to the hospital for my xray, obviously I had to have a panic attack and come out in hives when I got there. I wouldn't be me if I didn't do something like that. I thought I was perfectly fine going to have it done too, so now I am completely dreading going for my blood test. I am stupidly nervous already and I still don't have it done for a week. I have to go on on my own. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I do feel like this has been a bit of reality check for me though. I am useless when it comes to looking after myself. I don't eat the right things, I don't eat often enough, I never remember to drink anything. Really easy things to do that I am incapable of doing. I will learn one day. 

We went to see Mum today, I like to see her at least once a week. We went for dinner, so Mum got company for the afternoon and I got out the house! Win win! Mum had prepped all the veggies for dinner so I cooked it all and it was so good. We both have the same air fryer and the roast setting makes the best roast potatoes ever. I'm a potato addict so this feature could be used a lot now. Mum didn't have any joints of meat or anything like that to cook, so we had Sainsburys steak bakes. Now, here's the thing, I have NEVER eaten a steak bake. I have a thing about food textures, so chunks of steak in pies has never been something I would choose to have but I tried the steak bake and it was delicious! This could prove dangerous when I do go back to work though, I work opposite a massive Greggs.

Been nice to have a couple of days with my husband. I will miss him when he is back at work tomorrow. One of the downsides to working retail, I work every Saturday. Even though I am not well enough to go places with him, just chilling out with him has been really nice. I have finally managed to get him through to the end of season 3 of Stranger Things too, been trying to get him to watch it for years!! We can now start on season 4 and he is already talking about rewatching them all before season 5 is released. 

Might see if we can get the tree out the loft next weekend.

Snow Day

Yesterday evening it started snowing. We were on a weather warning and they had told us we could expect quite a dumping. By the time we went to bed last night the town was white. Everything looked so pretty. I love how light and quiet it makes everything.  I knew it was coming, Casper spent all day yesterday sleeping and refused to go outside. The temperature had dropped, snow was in the air, he really wasn't happy about it! We popped out to get some pop from the Co-op in what was very sleety, wet snow falling. We were in the shop about 5 minutes and walked out to a blizzard. 

Darren woke me up at half 6 this morning to ask where his bloody snow boots were, he was positive that he knew nothing about the snow even though I've been telling him for days and it was snowing when we went to bed! Couldn't find his boots so he had to go in his walking boots. I have a feeling his snow boots and in the cupboard under the stairs, aka the cupboard of doom! 

I am now sat looking out the window, doing some online Christmas shopping. Though I had best get started, I don't know how long this stupid illness is going to last and I can't leave it until the last minute. I end up doing that every year and its so stressful. Also handy that I am at home to receive deliveries too. 

Tempted to put a Christmas film on, try and get me in the Christmas spirit, cheer myself up a bit. I am so down. I am worried about what is making me feel like this. You know your own body and mine doesn't feel right. Health anxiety really isn't helping either. I just worry so much about it.

Is today blue monday??

Been back to the doctors again today. Whatever covid has left me with isn't shifting, been 4 weeks now. Been seeing/speaking to a lovely paramedic at the GP surgery and she is concerned about my symptoms so blood tests and x-rays are needed. I'm completely fed up and just want to feel better. It doesn't help that I have health anxiety too, one slight feeling of anything and there's a part of my brain that tries convincing me that the end is nigh. I'm also absolutely useless when it comes to blood tests, I always pass out and childhood epilepsy makes that fun! 

Its just started snowing here, everything is slowly turning white and looks so pretty. Its very wet snow though so I am not sure if it will settle or not. I am curled up on the sofa in my pjs, fluffy slippers, my blanket and we are watching heartbeat in the hope it will cheer me up. Yes, inside this 42 year old woman is an 80 year old grandma who loves heartbeat. I think its because it was filmed in and around our favourite part of the world. We went to Goathland a couple of months ago when we were staying in Whitby for a couple of days. We love to visit there. Whitby pleases my spooky black soul. I was tidying my bookshelves the other day and realised I have 3 copies of Dracula, all of which I have bought from Whitby. 

Hoping for a better day tomorrow. In all honesty, my anxiety is making me terrified about test and hospital referrals. I know its all routine and completely normal but after losing my dad a couple of years ago I'm scared.

Friyay or Frinay??

Had a very lazy morning today. Went to grab the cat and bought him upstairs and I went back to bed for a couple of hours. Been having some really weird and not so nice dreams this week, so sleeping has been worse than normal. I sat in bed and watched last nights Married at First Sight UK episode. It was the final commitment ceremony. I wish they would do another reunion show before next year though, I want to know who has stayed together, who has broken up and who is still beefing!! When I did eventually get up I started work on another book nook today. Think I have chosen the wrong one, as its waaaaaaay more work than the last one! I've gone from one that was really easy to do to one that involves making every single element involved. Will definitely keep me quiet for a while! 

The temperature has dropped a little today, seems a bit cooler out there today. I was woken during the night by a strange noise outside, it was 12:30am and I couldn't place what noise it was so I got out of bed to have a look out the window. It was a beautifully clear sky and everything was sparkling under the stars. The odd noise I heard..... someone de-icing their car windscreen. They are talking about snow next week and I am here for it, even if it just means a temperature drop. I love cold weather. I am absolutely an autumn/winter person. Summer is not my vibe, spring is pretty though.

My husband finished at a really good time today and appeared at the kitchen window at 5pm. We are going to order a Chinese takeaway and chill out tonight. We are trying to think of somewhere to go tomorrow that doesn't involve too much walking or too many people. I need to get out the house, I'm going stir crazy. I am not at a point where I can walk around all day like I usually can and we both have an aversion to people, so Christmas Markets aren't the one for us, but I need to look at something other than these 4 walls! We might go on a mystery drive, we always end up somewhere nice on those. Even if its just to the peaks for a bit of fresh air it should do me good. 

Too tired to function

 Another day at home, just me and the cat. Attempted to tidy my massive bookshelf today so I could find my spooky books and make a nice display for the book nook to fit. Tried to do too much too soon and knackered myself out. Oh well.

Its currently 9pm and I'm sat on the sofa with my husband watching Rate My Takeaway on YouTube. Love Danny, he's funny. Seems to have time for everyone that stops to chat too. We've made a list of all the places he has gone to that we have said "yeah, lets try that". Been watching him for 3 years and not been to any yet! We always forget about them when we are out and about. I think he should come to Chesterfield, there are some great places to eat round here. He's eating a massive fresh cream cake now, making me want a chocolate eclair or something!

I've also just bought my first Christmas presents! I know, I know, its still spooky season according to me, but seeing so many black friday offers on already I had to look to see what I could get. Since when did black friday become the whole of November too?? It was always just the friday after thanksgiving, and I feel like it only became a thing in the UK in the last decade, I'd never heard of it before! Its too much but at the same time its giving me a kick up the bum to start getting organised.

Just spent 20 minutes looking for the cat, just to find him sat on top of a blanket on the back of the sofa. Camouflaged well, only saw him as he has got white paws and he moved his leg. 

Daily ramblings

 Hello to whoever has stumbled across this little rambling. 

I am a 42 year old female who living in Chesterfield, Derbyshire, with my husband and our cat. Anxiety ridden, depressed, an inner goth screaming to get out and told I should probably get tested for ADHD, I have decided to use this blog almost like a diary.

I thought now would be the ideal time to start, as I am currently stuck at home with after effects of my first round with covid . 4 years I managed to avoid that crap. There is only so much day-time tv a girl can watch, in my case that's none! The only tv I am watching at the moment is Married At First Sight UK and Great British Bake Off, so I have been binging on those instead. I did, however, find myself watching a Christmas film on channel 5 yesterday. Not like me at all! I was advised by a doctor to start doing some online Christmas shopping to pass the time, but everything in my basket seems to be for me! My black soul still clings on to the idea that it is still Halloween until 1st December, so I find it very hard to get into the Christmas spirit before then. The only other tv I am watching at the moment is Married At First Sight and Great British Bake Off, so I have been binging on those instead.

In all seriousness, I am so bored. My sister bought me a book nook kit, thought it might take me weeks to do, I did it in a day. I am glad of the rest, but I wish it wasn't being forced on me. Just waiting for my energy levels to come back to normal and I will be back to myself again. Until then, it's just me and the cat during the day. 

Tried to do some drawing the other day, Casper thought he would join in by sitting on the paper. Not much drawing was done that day.